This Annoys Me.

A big shout out to all you dog owners who have left dog poo in public places.

I hope your dog shits on your pillow case.

How to deal with poopy

Okay, we do not expect everyone to be able to MJ it up on the dance floor, but to all the rhythm masters out there…please notify your friends/siblings/fellow humans that cannot dance about their weakness!

Sure it may be comical from time to time to watch them pump up the jam like an ox with diarrhea but they should at least be aware that their dance moves will not get them laid. Yes you don’t want to hurt their feelings, but think about all the people that will eventually get injured from an attempted Andy Bernard dance off.

Do the right thing.

Yes, they are a good way to show a loved one or someone that you are interested in that you care about them.  It is not okay at work, unless you want to get in bed with the person.  We are not kids in school anymore where you have to give me a Valentine’s Day Card or I’ll cry.

I just received 6 Valentine’s Day Cards and candy.  I do not have any cards or candy for anyone.  I hope they don’t expect me to sleep with them.

Unless you are the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air who has Jeffrey to yell at or you have a kind enough family member/friend/circus pet that can bring you a role of fresh toilet paper when stranded, this annoyance has surely touched your life at one time or another.

Today was one of those days that I made the mistake of sitting down before checking to see if there was a sufficient supply of paper.  I noticed the lack of toilet paper half-way through the performance.  Normally I would yell for help or use my cell to call for assistance, but I was in a single toilet washroom and my cell was left in the office.

Two options: use sand paper towel to clean myself or use my Egyptian cotton boxer briefs and go GI Joe the rest of the work day.

I decided to use the softer option and tossed the boxer briefs in the trash after the cleansing.  I did not want to have a bleeding anus or do nothing and work with mud butt.

How I let the cleaning staff know they’re out of toilet paper.

I’m no weather magician but does it not typically snow in the winter? If I have to see one more report on CNN about Washington D.C crying about snow I’m going to set my hair on fire. Next thing you know they will blame it on Al-QQQQQ aeda for snow bombing them. Obama calling this “snowmageddon” even! Welcome to winter you sons of bitches.

I’m sorry, did I miss the memo stating that the washroom is now a social club? What is this world coming to? A man cannot even piss in peace. Additionally, I don’t even know you. Why are you asking me if I have any upcoming vacations while standing at a urinal? Are you ok? Do you think i’m handsome? There must be some reasoning behind your bizarre choice of chit-chat location.

Places that urinal chit-chat can be tolerated: The bathroom at a bar at 2-3am. I will be at a point where my eyes are non-functional and any response I try to give will be completely incoherent. There is also  a 99% chance that I will not even remember the event took place.

You do realize that the salvation army would not even accept these, right? You got it, people who have no money and buy $1 shoes have higher footware standards than you. “But they cost like, 200 bucks!” – Yes they did. Brand new. Now it looks like you assaulted a disreputable vagrant and stole their boots.

PS: Your  grimey ass boots don’t look “hawt”. Don’t wear them to the bar. Guys will not speak to you.

PPS: They don’t look good with jeans/a skirt/a fucked up color pair of jogging pants/yoga pants.

PPPS: 2003 called, they want their Uggs back.

I don’t really think this requires any sort of explanation. He sounds like he is in a constant state of diarhea. His hair looks like a urine soaked mop. He makes me punch the radio.

It’s very likely that you are the worst kind of scum. Your sole mission on earth is to fill every fiber in my body with the highest level of road rage. You are the Smoking Driver.

Nothing around you matters. You will drive 10 miles per hour on the highway while gently tapping your cigarette via the crack in the window in the most dainty of fashions. I know you saw me behind you looking for an escape route while giving you high beam flashes equivalent to the aurora borealis. You’ve won this round smoker.